I am officially living in homeowner’s hell.

There comes a time in every homeowner’s life when selling the house and moving to senior living starts sounding less like “giving up” and a lot more like a luxury cruise. Honestly, I’m ready to sign up. Give me a carefree apartment, a maintenance man named Hank and a hot bowl of soup at 5:30 PM.

Why the sudden urge to downsize? Because I’m currently locked in a psychological warfare campaign with local wildlife.

To prove my point, here is a verbatim transcript of a recent text exchange between myself and Moe, our certified animal control specialist, regarding some uninvited guests who romp and hold loud parties all night in the attic above our bedroom.

MONDAY

Moe: Good morning, this is Moe from Barry’s Animal Control. I came yesterday to inspect your house. I saw where a squirrel had been chewing through the soffit and found the opening on the other side. I set two traps on the roof. I’ll let you know if anything is caught.

Me: Yawns… sleepless… Oh no. But good you found some evidence.  Thank you so much, Moe, do you think you can cure my noisy attic?

TUESDAY

Moe: Good afternoon. Yes. We caught 1 squirrel. Have you heard any more noise?

Me: Actually… no…. Perhaps it was just one pesky boy.

Me: Did you reset the traps again?

Me: Are you able to repair the hole?

Me: Or do we wait another night in case there are additional unwanted tenants?

Me: Do you humanely remove the squirrel and drive him to a nice field somewhere near the airport, where he can roam free and raise baby squirrels in trees in a wooded paradise far far away?

P a u s e ….

Moe: (pausing) Uh… yes, we do that.

Moe: I still have 2 traps set with plenty of food just in case there are more. Let’s give it one more day. If you don’t hear any noise, we can do the repairs.

Me: (Yawning)… Okay great.

WEDNESDAY

Moe: Hi, it’s me again.  I closed the holes, but I noticed raccoon droppings on the roof. When I first inspected your roof, those droppings weren’t there, so it seems a raccoon did that recently. Would you like me to catch it?

Me: Excuse me, Moe… They’re POOPING on the ROOF now? That feels aggressive. So, the squirrels aren’t in the house, but now we have a raccoon problem?

Moe: He is climbing up the tree to get to the roof.

Me: Geez… Do you have any suggestions?

Moe: Yes. Trim your tree after we catch him.

Me: I don’t even know where this is happening on our roof.

Moe: It’s happening on the right side behind the garage near the corner.

Me: Oh no… Please, Moe… I don’t want raccoons in the attic. We had an entire family of them living there in 1983 when we moved in. And then a family of bees followed them… and then a wasp’s nest created the most incredible balloon like structure that hung from a gutter… We’ve seen mice in the house too. I don’t like this at all.

Moe: When raccoons start leaving droppings on people’s roofs, it usually means they are searching for weak spots so they can move in.  I know the signs… I’m a professional with years of experience…

My Husband: I hope so. This is costing us quite a bit of money.

Moe: You’ll be satisfied… and if not, we’ll come back.

Me: For an additional fee.

Moe: Of course.

Me: ☹️ At this specific juncture in my life, I have officially reached my limit. I no longer wish to participate in, authorize, or discuss any of the following topics:

• Soffits
• Droppings
• Traps
• Weak spots
• Roof access points
• Wildlife bowel habits
• Creatures “seeking entry”

Instead, my future goals have been completely revised.

I would now like:

• A beautiful maintenance free apartment
• A maintenance man named Hank
• A bowl of hot soup served to me at 5:30PM
• Chair yoga and cardio drumming and activities throughout the week
• Someone else handling THE PROBLEMS
• Carefree living! That’s what I want!

The raccoons can have the house.

I’ll leave the keys under the mat.

Until next week or your next text message….

Shabbat Shalom