Elaine smiled graciously after the student visitor patted her arm and said, “You’re just so cute.”
I’ve heard this kind of thing before, but recently something has shifted. I became aware of just how often older people, particularly older women, are called “cute” or other diminutive names and how casually it’s done.
Referring to older women as “cute” can carry condescending, infantilizing undertones, often rooted in ageism and sexism. As an advocate for aging adults at Jewish Senior Life, I say it’s time to consciously reclaim dignity in aging.
Often, visitors mean well. But they don’t realize the weight their words can carry. An older woman, perhaps a retired judge or professor, is complimented by a younger person:
“Aw, you’re so adorable” they say, patting her arm like she’s a doll or a kitten.
That moment – a gesture meant to express warmth and affection- can be a microaggression masked as kindness.
Older women who are accomplished, sharp, and independent live with the daily awareness of how perceptions of them may have shifted. As young women, they were often objectified or sexualized. Now, they’re minimized and reduced to something “darling.” Talking to or about older adults like they’re children diminishes their authority and autonomy.
Compare that to how older men are often described: “wise”, “distinguished”, “respected”. Language can reveal what we value or our subconscious prejudices.
“Cute” is a word disproportionately applied to women, reflecting a broader discomfort society has with women who are no longer young or serving traditional roles of youth, beauty, or motherhood. It reinforces the idea that women should be non-threatening, agreeable, and visually pleasing, even into their older years. It strips older women of agency, intellectual credibility, and full personhood.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Women & Aging found that older women are significantly more likely than older men to be described using infantilizing language such as “cute,” “sweet,” or “adorable” even when they hold similar levels of education, professional achievement, or social status. The research concludes that “society continues to view aging women through a lens that prioritizes approachability and softness over authority and intellect.
This pattern reinforces ageist and sexist stereotypes, subtly undermining the credibility and autonomy of older women in both casual interactions and broader cultural narratives.”
It’s easy to brush off this language as harmless. But even a benign intent doesn’t diminish a negative effect, especially when that impact is cumulative over many years.
We need to use language that uplifts and respects. This starts by noticing what we say and why. Have you ever called someone “cute” without thinking? Consider what you really felt. Admiration? Surprise? Affection? There are better, richer words for all those emotions.
We can be aware of our language more often. We can speak about it in our groups. We can teach younger people to rethink how they address their elders. It’s not about shaming, it’s about noticing, adjusting, and respecting.
Instead of “cute,” we can try words like:
Powerful- Formidable – Elegant – Brilliant -Trailblazing
Better to say to someone, “You inspire me.” No pats on the arm. No “awws.” Just eye contact. Like equals. No condescension.
Aging is not a punchline or a soft-focus filter. It’s power, memory, grit, and grace.
We should remember to speak to older women like the whole persons they are. Not cute. Not dolls. Not darlings. Just dignified and distinguished equals.
Shabbat Shalom.
