by Jo Rosen
Anger isn’t always loud. Sometimes it simmers quietly behind tired eyes, clenched jaws, and unspoken words. Other times, it erupts. Whether we’re living alone or in a senior community like Jewish Senior Life, caring for a loved one, navigating a longtime relationship, or adjusting to the changes that come with age, frustration can build. And when it does, we need healthy ways to deal with it before it deals with us.
Frustration builds quietly at first, then suddenly it rises when we watch the news and see injustice thrive, broken systems persist, and the guilty walk free. We witness lies disguised as truth, manipulation, gaslighting, and the chilling resurgence of antisemitic violence…. attacks on synagogues and Jewish schools, desecrated cemeteries, Holocaust denial, and hate crimes that stain the present with echoes of the past. It builds with every senseless act of violence, with every betrayal, every instance of cruelty, illness, or humiliation. It festers when we are misunderstood, neglected, emotionally drained, and when selfishness and greed drown out compassion.
But frustration doesn’t always stem from grand tragedies. It brews in the everyday moments too: in traffic jams, endless roadwork, the chaos of roundabouts, or when others ignore the rules. It sharpens during long waits, crying babies on planes, slow restaurant service, or the sudden panic of misplaced keys. We’re pushed to the edge by delays, disruptions, and inconveniences… by anything or anyone that seems to block our way. In those moments, blame comes easily, and we label people or situations as foolish or unfair simply because they challenge our control.
This, too, is human. Anger often arrives as a surge, a quickened breath, a racing heart, a fire in our chest. But beneath the heat lies a message: Something is wrong. Something needs to change.
We can’t go around physically fighting people, even if, in our frustration, we sometimes wish we could. But we can take meaningful action. We can protest, write letters, make calls, create art, or express ourselves through music, movement, or words. When anger is regulated and channeled, it becomes a powerful tool for clarity, action, and transformation.
Maybe our partner’s behavior wears us down. Maybe the neighbor’s endless questions test our patience. A friend says something hurtful and doesn’t even notice. Social media overwhelms us. We may be grieving a loss of independence or struggling to feel seen and heard. Even when our loved ones mean well, we can still feel overstimulated, excluded, dismissed, or simply exhausted.
Anger often hides what’s underneath…. sadness, fear, loneliness, grief, or fatigue. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a signal. A sign we may need support, rest, validation, or care. Instead of pushing anger down or feeling ashamed of it, we can meet it with compassion:
“I’m angry and that’s okay. What do I need right now?”
There is power in the pause. In tense moments, a single pause can change everything. A shift in scenery, a short walk, or simply stepping away helps release the initial surge of emotion. We don’t have to fix everything right away. We just need to pause.
Taking a break preserves our dignity while inviting understanding, whether we’re speaking to a partner, a friend, a neighbor, or a staff member.
How can we let anger move through us? Anger doesn’t need to explode. It just needs to move. We can choose physical activity of any kind. We can go for a brisk walk or take deep cleansing breaths. I learned from Brenda Strausz zl, my dear sister-in-law, the incredible power of spoken affirmations combined with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT- also known as tapping) to clear my head space. Others clean the house, run, write, punch a pillow or cry. Choose what helps us move it through and out, safely.
We try to collect our thoughts during these episodes, yet words can be hard in the moment. No judgement. Words can be hard in the moment. Give ourselves time…
“Let’s talk later. I’m too upset right now.” “I need a moment to cool off.” “I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.”
These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of self-awareness and strength. Anger often shows up when we’ve neglected ourselves. Caregivers, parents, and partners often put themselves last. But when we’re running on empty, we’re more likely to snap. Even ten quiet minutes of reading, walking, or simply resting each day can help restore balance. Asking for help is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
At JSL, residents don’t have to be alone. They are guided with the support of trusted staff, our community chaplain, the Administrators and Resident Service Coordinators (RSCs) – trained social workers and therapists who can also recommend support groups, books, and videos about caregiving, aging, and emotional resilience.
Before reacting, we can pause and ask ourselves: “What’s hurting underneath this?”
Anger often covers grief, longing, sadness or burnout. We’re not wrong for feeling what we feel. Real power lies in what we choose to do with it. Take action to combat injustice. “People will be who they are… let them.” We can’t control them, but we can choose how we respond. And that choice can bring us peace. With practice, self-awareness, and support, we can let anger move through us and not define us. We can express it, release it, and move forward: calmer, clearer, and more connected.
Sit comfortably upright with feet flat on the floor or lie down comfortably. Exhale completely. Inhale through your nose to a count of four, feeling your lungs fill with air. Hold for a count of four, exhale slowly through your mouth to a count of four. Repeat. Continue with sets of square breathing inhale 2.3.4, hold 2.3.4, exhale 2.3.4, rest 2.3.4, Repeat.
Shabbat Shalom
